Open Relationships

In the gay world, many people subscribe to the theory that open relationships are the way to go.

This is a concept virtually unheard of in straight land.  But in our culture, hearing that someone is in an open relationship seems as common as hearing that someone had their car tuned up or spent too much cash at the mall. 

My very first gay relationship, a two-year rollercoaster, was an open one. 

I was 24.  "Mike" was 30. 

Mike and I were totally closeted, and we lived several hundred miles apart.  I was in the military, and he lived in a small town.  Consequently, we both thought it was ideal to have flexible "rules" such as having a girlfriend on the side and getting a kitchen pass to make out with boys at gay clubs when we were apart.  

Depending on how strong our relationship was at any given point, the rules morphed.  At the most extreme level, if Mike wasn't in town, I could take someone home and let him give me oral sex, but I couldn't return the favor.  

Mike, of course, could do the same in his town. 

Our individual wanderings led to numerous fights and hard feelings.  I remember being infuriated  when Mike had sex with his side-girlfriend for the first time.  I felt like I'd been cheated on.  

That's just one example.   

There are at least a dozen more that are not worth going into.  

When we were together, we were monogamous. 

With two exceptions.  Twice, Mike and I brought third parties into our bedroom to mess around.  I ended up freaking out and stopping both times about half-way through, usually because of jealousy.

Our relationship ended disastrously when I started grad school because I ultimately broke the rules in the worst kind of way.  

Granted, I was 26 and a complete mess, but it was still hard on him, and on me.  

Since that time, I've messed around with guys who turned out to be in relationships with others.  Normally, these guys have "understandings" with their partners about random hookups, much like the one that Mike and I had. 

Other guys will cheat, and their partners, determined to make the relationships work, turn blind eyes despite whatever they might be feeling inside.   

It seems like many gay relationships start off like my relationship with Mike - we were completely monogamous for a year.  But at some point, the physical distance between us spurred us to discuss the "rules." 

Not all open relationships become "open" because of physical distance though.  Some stem from the fact that both partners are "tops" or "bottoms."  My guess is that physical attraction between partners is also a factor, especially in couples who've been together for a long time.  In fact, I personally know a gay couple in my neighborhood who are in a happy, loving relationship that is also open.  When I asked how they make such a relationship work, they explained that it's important to have firm rules - their rules are (1) they must be together when they mess around with randoms, and (2) the hookups must happen in other cities, when they're on trips.  This couple has been together almost 18 years now, long by any standards, but especially for the gay community.

Since Mike, I have never again entertained the thought of entering into an open relationship with someone. 

I know that I'm too much of a jealous person to make such a partnership work.  

For others, though, this seems like the way to go.  

And hell, my longest relationship (the one with Mike) was one!

Comments

[Mark]

Almost all the long-term (10 years +) gay male relationships I know of have some degree of openness. In fact, someone told me of a research paper that had been done --I forgot the title, unfortunately-- that showed that three years of monogamy followed by a negotiated opening was one of the things the successful long-termers had.

Granted, if one or both of the partners is prone to jealousy then it's tough to make an open relationship work, as you found out. But maybe jealousy is a sign that you're not as secure in your relationship as you think, just as it's often the insecure closet cases who are the worst homophobes.

[Slade]

Its funny to me how you kind of propagate the idea that "open" relationships are more common in the gay community. The thing I find most frustrating about your blog is that you are a complete gay stereotype despite your best attempts to be "straight acting." You're promiscuous, shallow, and over-all very boy crazy. I think the reason people seek out open relationships is that their relationships don't have strong foundations. Too many relationships, gay and straight, are based in a large part of physical attraction. You need to seek out another deeper layer of attraction to have a real relationship. Happy birthday coming up Tranny.

[Rob]

I think it's sad that gay guys get bored with their partners so quickly and have to open the relationship. It just seems that gay guys need variety....the same cock just doesn't do it for the long term.