Urban Insanity

The Future of Urban Insanity - Screw the Gossip

Apparently, D ("Dallas") Magazine and the Dallas Voice, a popular newspaper in the Oak Lawn community, picked up on my dilemma regarding whether or not to shut down the blog.  See my entry on this topic here.

The buzz generated by these two publications hasn't been outrageous or anything - I mean, let's face it, I'm not Britney or Paris, thank goodness. 

But I did get more hits on here in one day than ever before.  It concerned me a little that some of the individuals who commented on their stories vowed to uncover my identity.  

My first thought was that I needed to shut this website down entirely. 

But over the last few days, I took the time to read back through my entries, all the way from April 2007 to now.  Significantly, I also read through the emails and comments left by readers - yes, I saved all of them (unless a reader specifically asked me to delete an email). 

My conclusion is this:  Urban Insanity has been a necessary outlet for me.  Through writing, and through reading constructive emails and comments and sometimes even mean ones, I've developed as a person and as a gay man.  Through Urban Insanity, I was able to say goodbye to my amazing grandmother, who passed away nearly two years ago.  Through writing, I taught myself to understand the depression and religious struggles that I endured, and I've found support when I desperately needed it on my journey to "come out" to family and friends. 

Reading through the emails reminded me just how many of you are struggling with some of the same dilemmas that I faced, that I am still facing.  I am humbled and honored if these posts have helped you in even the smallest way, and please know that even if I don't respond to every email I receive, I always read them. 

By putting my life up here in cyberspace, and by being reckless and letting my identity be discovered through other online mishaps, I pretty much asked for my life to be an open book.  

You know what, though?  I don't think that my life is all that bad. 

If people are going to judge, let them judge.  They are probably not the kind of guys I want to associate with anyway.

Screw the gay ass gossip. 

I will not tone Urban Insanity down into some Disneyland site. 

Nor will I stop writing.    

Open Relationships

In the gay world, many people subscribe to the theory that open relationships are the way to go.

This is a concept virtually unheard of in straight land.  But in our culture, hearing that someone is in an open relationship seems as common as hearing that someone had their car tuned up or spent too much cash at the mall. 

My very first gay relationship, a two-year rollercoaster, was an open one. 

I was 24.  "Mike" was 30. 

Mike and I were totally closeted, and we lived several hundred miles apart.  I was in the military, and he lived in a small town.  Consequently, we both thought it was ideal to have flexible "rules" such as having a girlfriend on the side and getting a kitchen pass to make out with boys at gay clubs when we were apart.  

Depending on how strong our relationship was at any given point, the rules morphed.  At the most extreme level, if Mike wasn't in town, I could take someone home and let him give me oral sex, but I couldn't return the favor.  

Mike, of course, could do the same in his town. 

Our individual wanderings led to numerous fights and hard feelings.  I remember being infuriated  when Mike had sex with his side-girlfriend for the first time.  I felt like I'd been cheated on.  

That's just one example.   

There are at least a dozen more that are not worth going into.  

When we were together, we were monogamous. 

With two exceptions.  Twice, Mike and I brought third parties into our bedroom to mess around.  I ended up freaking out and stopping both times about half-way through, usually because of jealousy.

Our relationship ended disastrously when I started grad school because I ultimately broke the rules in the worst kind of way.  

Granted, I was 26 and a complete mess, but it was still hard on him, and on me.  

Since that time, I've messed around with guys who turned out to be in relationships with others.  Normally, these guys have "understandings" with their partners about random hookups, much like the one that Mike and I had. 

Other guys will cheat, and their partners, determined to make the relationships work, turn blind eyes despite whatever they might be feeling inside.   

It seems like many gay relationships start off like my relationship with Mike - we were completely monogamous for a year.  But at some point, the physical distance between us spurred us to discuss the "rules." 

Not all open relationships become "open" because of physical distance though.  Some stem from the fact that both partners are "tops" or "bottoms."  My guess is that physical attraction between partners is also a factor, especially in couples who've been together for a long time.  In fact, I personally know a gay couple in my neighborhood who are in a happy, loving relationship that is also open.  When I asked how they make such a relationship work, they explained that it's important to have firm rules - their rules are (1) they must be together when they mess around with randoms, and (2) the hookups must happen in other cities, when they're on trips.  This couple has been together almost 18 years now, long by any standards, but especially for the gay community.

Since Mike, I have never again entertained the thought of entering into an open relationship with someone. 

I know that I'm too much of a jealous person to make such a partnership work.  

For others, though, this seems like the way to go.  

And hell, my longest relationship (the one with Mike) was one!

Coming Out: The Parents, Part III

If you have not read Parts I and II, click here.

Wow, it's been almost three years since I accepted the fact that I was gay.  And it's been a year and a half since I vowed to tell my folks. 

The "conversation" still hasn't happened.

Why, you ask? 

The short answer is because the whole idea terrifies me, and I haven't had the balls yet to do it.

The long answer is that it's been easy to put off.  My little sister's job has taken her all over the country, and now the world, and my parents have been distracted with her.  My folks also spent the last year building and designing a wonderful lake house, which they plan to retire in sometime in the next five years. 

While the lake house project was a welcome distraction before, it has now turned into the bane of my closeted existence.  I think the extra three bedrooms in the house coupled with the oversized dining table has made them yearn to fill the extra spaces with grandkids. 

As the oldest child, they are ready for me to get married, and with my 30...something'th birthday rolling around in a few very short weeks, they are putting more pressure on me than ever before.

Consequently, every phone conversation turns to "my social life." 

Sadly, I've come to dread talking to them on the phone.  

Our conversations are short and almost business-like.  I avoid the topic of dating by throwing out other topics before they can even bring it up.  

And I think my evasiveness has built an invisible wall between us.

I hate the whole situation. 

Growing up, I was close to them.  My relationship with them was even strong when I was dating girls, despite the fact that I was lying to them and to myself. 

I miss that bond that my parents and I had, but I don't think I can get that bond back unless I'm honest with them, regardless of the consequences.  

I leave for home on December 20.  This time, the conversation will happen.

The Future of Urban Insanity

I have an issue that I need to discuss with you. 

Because of my own indiscretion, a dozen or so gays in Dallas now know who I am, and some of them now pull up this site occasionally. 

That means that I can never again be completely honest and forthright on this blog. 

Things I want to discuss or throw out there into the cyber universe for comments are no longer anonymous, and my reputation as a professional and as a gay man are now subject to scrutiny by acquaintances based upon the ramblings in my cyber diary.  

Many of us have "hookups," and judging from what I've seen here in Dallas over the last 2 years, I am not the biggest slut on the strip.  

But I am also no cherub. 

However, by memorializing a great story like my trip to Denver on here, people make judgments. 

I never cared about stuff like that when I was anonymous.  And I'm really not concerned about how people view me in Dallas from a social standpoint. 

But my reputation as an attorney isimportant to me, and often, people can't separate social actions from professional ones. 

Consequently, I have three options that I'm weighing in my mind right now:

1 - Stop writing online for good.  I never thought that this would be an option for me.  Writing is my passion, and sharing my stories on here has been so incredibly helpful to my development as a gay man.  Recently, however, I've found passion in fiction writing.  I have an idea for a short story and for a serial killer novel.  As soon as I finish my latest book, I can easily move onto those ideas and fulfill my passion through fiction.  I'm seriously thinking about this option. 

2 - Take down Urban Insanity and start a new blog that is truly anonymous.  I don't really like this idea, as I've put a lot of work into this site, and can't imagine starting over from scratch.  This probably won't happen, but I'm not going to rule it out just yet. 

3 - Keep Urban Insanity PG-rated, at least until the people who know me lose interest.  This might be the best option.  Hell, my social life lately hasn't been all that exciting anyway.  I'm going to consider this as well.

What do you guys think? 

This is my own fault for allowing people to find out about the site, and I have no problem taking it down, but is that too extreme?