Coming Out: The Parents

"My parents are coming to town over Thanksgiving. I think I'm going to come out to them."

The others sitting at my table looked at me, some with skepticism and some with optimism, as I made this proclamation earlier this week at a sports bar downtown. 

I've come out to most of my friends, and I'm out at work now.  The most important people in the world to me, however, don't yet know that I'm gay. 

I keep thinking my parents must have some idea. 

I haven't brought a girl home since high school.  I avoid conversations about relationships, and hell, I'm not a bad looking guy. 

I imagine that in their eyes, I should've been married a long time ago, like the other guys in my old hometown.  But every time I'm home, they ask me about girls, try to set me up with some of the locals, and talk about my old girlfriends. 

I can't grasp how they don't know yet.   

I sure wish I could give my parents what they'd really like - grandkids.

My parents would be fantastic grandparents. 

They are great nurturers.  They are well-known in my hometown for helping people out . . . I can't count the number of Rotary and Kiwanis awards my mom has been honored with for her service to the community.  My dad is a farmer, and he employs 5-10 poor rednecks every year during planting and harvest seasons - as their employer, he displays more compassion for their well-being than they've ever experienced from their own family members, and many of these lost souls look to my dad as their mentor and friend.

For small town standards, they're probably a little liberal, so that'll make things easier. 

But I've been putting off tell them about my sexuality for two reasons, one, because I'm a big wuss when it comes to talking about it, and two, because I know it's going to be hard for them. 

And I hate to see my parents unhappy. 

My mom is so cute - she's like a little cheerleader, an 55-year-old who looks ten years younger with blond hair and stylish hats. 

My dad's a happy-go-lucky guy who likes golf, beer, and home repairs. 

Neither of them encounter gay people very often. 

My dad's best friend's son is gay, and that kid is quite possibly the most effeminate, angry guy in the state.  They also know of the local, hometown gay guy who runs the radio station and tries to sleep with every married man in town.  Needless to say, it'll be a challenge when they find out.

I haven't reconciled how to handle it yet . . . it'll definitely be a difficult step for me to take . . . but I'm committed to doing it. 

September 5, 2007 UPDATE

Several of the international readers of this blog have asked what happened with me coming out to my parents.  I should've clarified that Thanksgiving is an American holiday that occurs in November. 

So . . . in my unending efforts to put off telling my folks that I'm gay, I've set the date of truth for several months from now, when they come to visit me in the city. 

Right now, it seems like a long time . . . but Thanksgiving weekend is less than 3 months away. 

Yikes. 

My mom and dad called last night, and we talked for almost an hour, despite the fact that I was exhausted from work and had just returned home at 10:00 p.m. from a date with a genuinely nice guy.

My folks didn't ask about my love life at all.

In fact, I've noticed that, in the last year or so, they've asked less and less about my relationships. 

While I was in law school, they asked about it a lot more often. 

Of course, while I was dating Rick, the game warden, I lied to them frequently and told them that I was dating women. 

Then, shortly after Rick and I broke up from our secret, Brokeback Mountain-type relationship, and I went through those difficult few months of depression, I received a phone call from my folks.

I will never forget that night.

It was the first and only time that my parents probably realized that I might've had some mental struggles going on.

I was lying in bed, curled around a long pillow and under the thick blanket in my icy-cool room.

We talked about the usual BS--how successful my law school career was going, how my house was doing, how my sister was doing--and then they asked the question dreaded by all people in singledom, especially those of us who are closeted. 

"Are you dating anyone right now?"

I always hated that question, unless of course I had a girlfriend, which I always did in the old days.

But in the more recent past, I'd responded to that question with cheerful stories of college co-eds who'd hung around with me and my buddies, and occasionally, I'd make up a story about a girl just to satisfy their concern for my social life and to give them something to talk about to the small town gossips back home. 

But this time, my difficult break-up with Rick had just occurred, and I was fighting depression like you wouldn't believe.

I just didn't have the energy. 

I shook my head, stared up at the dark, bare ceiling above my bed, and replied, "No I'm not, mom.  There's no one." 

That comment, darkened further by my dreary, depressed mood, caused an awkward silence on the phone, followed by me saying goodbye rather quickly.

After that call, I noticed that my parents both made the effort to say "I love you" more often at the end of our phone conversations, and, importantly, they stopped asking about my dating life as often.

It does come up now and then, but noticeably less than in the past.

In my conversation with them last night on the phone, I could almost feel their desire to ask me who I'm dating right now.  I don't know how to explain what I felt, but it's like a feeling of impending doom or sorrow that you know you can't put off forever. . . like a train wreck that's bound to happen even if you do everything you can to stop it. 

But as usual, my parents didn't bring anything up about my dating life, and when I felt like it might be a subject of conversation, I quickly cut off the phone call, using the excuse that it was 11 p.m., and I was exhausted.   

I truly feel that my parents would rather have a gay son who's honest about his relationships and talks with them about everything important in his life, especially love, than a "straight" son who appears successful, but lonely and isolated. 

I just hope I have the courage to tell them in November. 

October 28, 2007

The pressure to tell my folks about my sexuality is greater than ever. 

A few weeks ago, my good friend BOB came out to his mother and sister with great results, and this weekend, BOB is introducing his boyfriend to them.

BOB's positive experience may have reinvigorated me, but it didn't do anything to dissuade my anxiety about coming out. 

My folks and my sister will be in Dallas over Thanksgiving.  However, I'll be back home for opening weekend of deer season the weekend before they travel here. 

My friends have recommended that I "have the talk" while I'm visiting them because (1) it'll be on their own turf, and they can escape to a comfortable place if they need to, and (2) they'll have a few days to let things sink in before visiting me.  If I go this route, that means that I have about 20 days until my life takes a dramatic turn.  And as an added pressure, my ex-boyfriend, Rick - the game warden - will be hunting with me that weekend. 

I can totally see myself making up excuses to avoid this inevitable conversation, but I'm more committed than ever to finally getting it over with.

Continued:  Click here. 

Comments

[abnitude]

i hope it works out for you and i think the main thing to remember is how much your parents love you. i am not out to my family and my mom is quite sick now so thats not something she needs to deal with at the moment. but when you mentioned your moms age, she is only 6 yrs older then i, thus i feel as though i know a little of what they saw growing up. i hope they are more open to the whole situation, even though they have one picture of you in their minds, this may not be as much of a stretch for them as you think.

[Justin]

From the way you describe your parents they seem very open minded and good people. I don't see how or why they would not accept you for who you truly are. Regardless, congrats on your decision! It takes courage...but you are obviously ready. Good luck...

[hamilton]

this could be interesting. I hope it goes well. Even though your parents are from small town, they still sound really liberal and compassionate according to you. As long as they didn't think gays are the most disgusting creature in the world to begin with, I think everything can be discussed and accepted.

Hope it is good news when thanksgiving day comes around.

[Pete]

Good luck! I guess the role model issue is always really important, but if he can handle his friend's son, he should have no problem with you. It should be quite obvious you're different.

[Matt-CNS]

It always amazes me that so many people have similar fears/situtations close to my own. My biggest fear is that I will disapoint my parents. They also want grandkids at somepoint, and constantly pepper me about potential dating opportuities. I just don't want to disappoint/hurt them.

Also, my dad sounds exactly like yours; golf, beer, home repairs (he thinks he is good at it).

Good luck, it does sound like your parents will accept it, even though it might take some adjustment.

[Mike]

My parents are liberal, jewish intellectuals. The first thing they said was they love me - but it was a tough year after I told them - over time it has gotten better and easier - its hard because parents have such dreams for their kids and few parents dream their kids will be gay.

[Richard]

They know. They may be in denial; but, they know. This is an important "housekeeping" responsibility that have. The grandkid element may be the most difficult aspect of the situation for them. It appears that your type of parents care about people, including you. And, remember that they do know because they know you better than you realize. In fact they may know you better than you know yourself.

[Jay]

It'll definitely be challenging for them because based on who they've encountered, some stereotypes will filter in.

But they also know you, you're their son and I doubt they'll think this now means you're going to be some guy who goes after married men or whatever lol.

My mom has been a bit relentless about the gf issue. Especially when she came here for my graduation.

Being from a small island, I know my family does have some ideas of how gay ppl are supposed to be in their heads and it worries me as well.

I'm much more confortable coming out to ppl who have left that small island than others who haven't really interacted with the rest of the world for longer than a 2 week vacation.

[dadof3]

"I sure wish I could give my parents what they'd really like - grandkids."

You can.

[Shel]

I wish you the best of luck, brother. I haven't come out to my folks yet, but I have considered talking to my dad. I don't think my Mom could handle it. I, too, am from a very conservative southern town and the gay thing just doesn't fly down here...I truly admire your courage and only hope I can show some of it one day...

[hamilton]

funny that when I watch gay guys march on in their outting process as a mere observer as if it has nothing to do with myself in my life time, I somehow awkwardly and unexpectedly came out to my mom two weeks ago. interesting how life works out sometimes.

[Jay]

I agree that I think parents would rather their kids be happy than to not be themselves and unhappy.

Regardless, if it's the right time to tell them, you'll know it. Just my two cents.

[normguysguy]

Love your blog. Best of luck to you.

[JR]

Good luck, man. I have no idea when I'll be able to tell my folks... but the sooner the better.

And I'm hopeful that you're right: parents rather a gay son than a "straight" one who's torturing himself.

[JR]

Good luck, man. I have no idea when I'll be able to tell my folks... but the sooner the better.

And I'm hopeful that you're right: parents rather a gay son than a "straight" one who's torturing himself.

[Shel]

I'm keeping you in my thoughts, buddy. I have a lot of respect for your decision. I can only imagine how hard it is. My parents would rather have the straight-appearing and lonley person. You are more of a man than I am. I hope it goes well for you.

[Jason]

I don't think you should feel rushed or too pressured to do anything, so take it easy. Of course you'll never be as comfortable as you would be when talking to your colleagues about law for example, but trust me; there is a level in which you are more or less as comfortable as possible when talking about your sexuality with your folks.

Don’t sweat it though- if Thanksgiving comes, and even though you do your best and try hard you find you just can’t gather up the courage to tell them, then don’t. It’s fine. You will tell them when you feel you are ready. Settling on a deadline months in advance might make you panic when the day comes. I’d tell you to take it day by day and just… I think you’ll know when you’re ready.

Your parents sound like great people. I know my folks didn't have a problem with gay people before I came out to them, and although they still are getting used to the idea, they took it just fine. I could have sworn they knew (or at least suspected) and hadn't told me because they were waiting for me to tell them- turns out they had no idea whatsoever! That can be tricky.

I know you probably know this, but just in case: be ready to answer some questions… Parents don’t always ask the same things as friends. I think it’s better if you’ve gone over what you have to discuss with them in your mind, in case you are bombarded with questions like many of us.

In the end, I knew I knew my parents, and I'm sure you know yours. In your heart you know that they will still love you, even if they have a problem or two getting used to your sexuality.

Don’t rush yourself, but don’t wait forever either. Take it easy, and remember your parents will still love you. It might not be as dramatic as you think.

Best of luck.

[Synrgy]

Hey Urban... It doesn't say in the manual that you have to come out to them at the same time... Pick a parent... Mom for example... get to a quiet place, take her shopping... just get her alone... tell her.
Just my take on it... If you ever need an outside voice... you got my addy...
Good Luck
SYN

[Bruce]

I ran into your blog on a link, but this post hit on something I've been thinking a lot about lately, so I had to reply.

I wish you luck with this, and would urge you to go through with it. If your parents were really homophobic, you would know. People with that issue tend to be vocal about it, especially to their kids. Your folks may be temporarily unhappy about the grandkids thing, but they'll get over that. They'd be more unhappy being cut out of part of your life.

I got up the courage after grad school and told my folks. I'd been freaking out for months over the decision, but I had to be honest. My dad's first comment was "we figured it was either you were gay or you had a really low sex drive". I had to laugh.

On the other hand, my best friend never came out to his parents, even though he had been in a relationship for 8 years. All his friends tried to convince him that they'd be fine knowing, but he was too scared of their reaction. Unfortunately, he died in an accident a couple of months back, and his family had to deal with the death and finding out he had a partner all at once. His mom told everyone at the memorial that her biggest regret was that he couldn't face coming out to them, so they missed out on most of his life for 8 years. They think of his partner as part of their family now.

Your friends are giving you good advice. Don't pick a major holiday, those are stressful enough as it is. You'll put a lot on them if they have to go through the first stages of processing your coming out and then act normal over Thanksgiving dinner. Be prepared for some strange questions. My mom asked if something she had done made me gay.

So please, come out to them. You'll be glad you did, and in time so will they.

[FitnessNerd]

Very nice blog, and I have to say we have very similar situations. I'm 32 and I've still not told my parents. Well, I have told my mother, which sent her into deep denial, and she still has the pipe dream that I'll get married. I'm pretty sure she hasn't said anything to Dad either. They're good people, and they will love me no matter what. I will tell them eventually...in my own time.

I have to vote with everyone telling you not to do it on a major holiday. That is just too much. Frankly, it is a bit selfish because you are doing something tremendous for yourself, but you are sending everyone else into a certain level of turmoil.

[abnitude]

good luck this week. i hope everything plays out the way you want and you realize all your stress was for nothing. i'm sure your parents will love you no matter what..you'll see.

[SP]

wow, just reading your blog for the first time today, I remember how hard coming out was myself and parents are always going to be the hardest to tell, but as difficult as it may be, and god this sounds so cliche it is SUCH a big weight off you shoulders when it's all out in the open.

Anyway I hope it all goes well for you and that you have a lot to be thankful for

[headbang8]

I think you'll find that once it's over, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

They sound like great parents. There might be a few uncomfortable moments. But they'll pass. You might need to give them a little time and space.

The truth is a precious gift to give someone. I suspect they will appreciate the gift they've been given.

[Tony P]

My coming out moment with my father took place in 1995. I was 31 years old and had been with someone for the past two years.

My father lives about 1,200 miles south of me. So one day I get a call from him and he asks me point blank if I was gay.

Yeah dad, I'm gay.

Apparently one of his friends had seen myself and my partner going into a gay club and dropped a dime on us.

The rest of my family I've come out to gradually since then and they've all been great.

Dad is a fundie Christian, I'm a rabid atheist. That's always fun though we tend to discuss religion less and less over the past few years.

I think his biggest regret is no grandchildren. Oh well, I know I would make a bad parent anyhow. While the SO can be disciplinarian with kids, I can't. I'm the permissive one.

[Hamilton]

what is going on, did you finally tell your folks? anticipation