Perfection

Once again, I sit here, alone in my small but comfortable condo, intending to write one blog, but completely distracted by other thoughts. 

This time, it isn't David Beckham's perfect shoulders or stunningly handsome face that is drawing my attention away from writing about the Pride parade; instead, it's a conversation I had with my friend Brian. 

After work today, before my committee meeting with a bunch of young lawyers, I met my buddy Brian for drinks at Snookie's, which is a comfortable, "family" friendly bar in the Oak Lawn area of Dallas.

Snookie's has $3.00 premium wells on Monday nights, so I ordered a Bacardi and Diet Coke and engaged myself in Brian's thought of the day, which can be disturbing or thought-provoking, or usually, it's both. 

While I devoured my drink a bit too quickly, Brian asked that eternal question that good friends always bring up at some point, that same question that is almost never answered, even though the answer often seems just a grasp away:  "Why am I single?  I'm intelligent, successful, have goals, and I'm at least relatively attractive.  Why am I always single?" 

I didn't have an answer.

Regardless, for the following hour, until I had to run out to meet the young lawyers, Brian and I discussed several theories. 

To analyze Brian's dating faults right now would be totally unfair . . . for one, I've already attempted to do that in a prior entry, and many of you slammed me for my conclusions, perhaps deservingly. 

But more importantly, I need to turn the spotlight on myself, because my distraction tonight stems from an analysis of my own relationship faults of late.

I moved to the city in the fall of last year, and in total, I've been here for almost 14 months.  In that short time, I've had three legitimate boyfriends, and I've gone on at least one date each with tons of other guys.

But why have none of them stuck? 

Brian's problem stems from too many guys meeting him and going "into the friend-zone" right away. 

I don't seem to have that problem. 

My problem is something a bit more complicated, or at least it is in my mind.

Right when I moved here, I met the most amazing guy.  He was classically handsome, with an amazing body, a sweet demeanor, and a loving, giving personality.

Both of us, coming out of disastrous relationships, were starved for something that worked.

Consequently, we moved way too fast, and our relationship blew up after just four months.

Since that time, my "relationships" haven't lasted over two months.  In fact, I've been on tons of dates that have ended after the first dinner, or after a night in the sack if the guy was cute enough. 

For the most part, it's been me that's had the problem, and it's been me that's ended the brief courtship. 

Now, don't get me wrong--I'm no Casanova.  I've been rejected before, and there are tons of guys out there who are more attractive than me, smarter than me, and have their shit together more than me. 

But even so, this last year, it's usually been me who's ended these brief relationships, or dates, or whatever you want to call them, before they ever got too serious.

For some of my buddies, my life plays out like a funny Seinfeld episode, except with a gay twist, of course. 

Either the guy is too nelly, is not in good enough shape, is too much of a meat-head, doesn't have enough ambition, acts too goofy, calls or texts too much, or . . . "take your pick." 

The point is that I am in the stage where I seem to find something wrong with everyone I date. 

One of the harshest criticisms of gay men is that we desire perfection - we want the Abercrombie model.  But we don't just want the dumb, hot model.  We want the model who has a professional job, a winning personality, and a nice dick. 

You might laugh, as I just did while I typed that last phrase, but seriously, it's somewhat true. 

Many of us, myself included, demand perfection (hell, look at my last post about Beckham!).

And almost always, we have no reason or justification to demand or wait for that perfect "boyfriend" to come around, because we, ourselves, are not perfect. 

I really think there is a perfect guy out there for me somewhere, and I think that there is a perfect match for all of us somewhere in this great big planet. 

But what makes that match perfect? 

It's certainly not a perfect body, a perfect personality, etc., etc.

When are we able to put that Abercrombie dream behind us and be rational about who is really right for us?

I turn 31 in a few months. 

I thought by now, I would've figured this out. 

But unfortunately, I haven't. 

I realize that I still don't know what the hell I want in a mate, and I don't know what the next step is in figuring this out.

I would love, however, to hear successful stories about how you were able to get past this challenge . . . how you were able to meet and fall in love with someone who wasn't "perfect" in the classical sense.

I hope to be there someday, and I truly think that I will, as I'm maturing as a gay man everyday.  But I still haven't met someone who is ideal for me, and I don't understand why. 

I do not want to be like those 45 and 50-year-old men who hit the clubs weekly to pick up a hot "boi" toy at the bars.  But every once in a while, tonight included, I fear that I may go down that path.  On the other hand, I don't want to think it's beyond all hope to find that I have a soulmate out there . . . someone who can completely sweep me off my feet, despite their inperfections. 

Comments

[Bruce]

Wow, great post. I certainly don't have the answers but I think that is exactly what we are all looking for. I've always felt that deep down every gay man really wants to find that "soulmate" and that those that won't admit that have just given up. Anyway, great post & have you ever tried the $4 shakes at Snookies (they're probably more than that now), delish!!

[tristan]

Perhaps you are confusing "perfection" with something else, namely personal vanity. It's hard to connect with others when you are conceited.

[abnitude]

i felt your post was thought provoking had a lot of valid points.
first of all..i think tristan is way off base if he was taking a stab at you; if i misunderstood, then i apologize.
i would like to think that there is a soulmate for everyone out there, but there is always the possibilit that it takes a longer time for some to find them, then others. alos, i think some people don't look that deeply at who they are partnered with, so they settle for someone who may not be right for them. don't think anyone is perfect, but when you are able to see that in someone and are able to see past that, then thats the keeper.
don't sell yourself short, keep your friends who you can confide and share with..they are your anchor, and if its meant tohappen, you will meet mr right and know it when you do.

[Synrgy]

Hey Urban... great post... Sounds to me like you're having some growing pains... You're starting to question your beliefs of what is HOT/NOT... being honest with yourself, challenging what you've always thought the ideal... Thats awesome... the A&F model?
or...the guy that makes me laugh, who I can truly be myself with?
Relax... be patient with others, but especially with yourself... He's there, somewhere... just may not look or act like you think... I also doubt you will be the 50 year old, wearing too much jewelry, in the bar trolling for chicken... just a hunch...

end Salon Psychology

Keep writing, I'll keep reading
SYN

[Pete]

I know the feeling very well. I'm willing to compromise in practice, but I always have things like "what would so-and-so think of HIM?" going through my mind. The boyfriend I eventually want to present to the outside world has to be 100% perfect, as far as education, employment, looks and personality are concerned. And when you do find someone like that, something else will annoy you. It's difficult, the choice is frankly limited and meeting such people is still very hard.

[Naijadude]

hmm, I tend to ask the same questions myself and I realised we sometimes have blindsided our judgements with that "perfection" we are seeking, next one pls!
Despite it all, shunning some criterias wouldnt still make the par with what we seek. the personality, success, beauty and nice dick! ah!! so many demands, now the question is: "what can you deliver?"

[Ollie]

Hmm... My apologies in advance for this long comment. I think the fact that you took the time to write out in much detail your thoughts on this subject indicates that, for all the adversity you've thus far encountered in the search for a partner, you haven't given up on the idea of finding your soulmate. It tells to me that you are willing to invest both time and effort in seeking and nurturing a healthy relationship with the "right" person. And at the very least, it shows that you appreciate and like the idea of being in a relationship and not just saying so because it feels or sounds good.

I make a distinction between someone who seeks perfection in all things versus someone who is a perfectionist. I am speaking of the former; not the latter.

Perfection in all things is an asset that we have all been told to aim for. Our mindset has been tuned to the notion that happiness and bliss are achievable only in a perfect setting with the perfect person.

But, is it?

For me, I think that seeking perfection in that person is patently unfair to my prospective soulmate - and to me. I believe that the perfect person for me (and for everyone else, for that matter) is one who is far from perfect. Perfection, or even the notion of near-perfection, is too much to expect of anyone. For perfection, in life, is something you seek; but it is not really something you find. It is not even a journey in of itself; but rather, how you feel in both mind and spirit about going on that journey.

The people who design and build airplanes for a living have an adage: they know that they can build an absolutely "perfect" airplane. It would be powerful, fast, sturdy, aerodynamically streamlined, roomy, totally safe and accident-proof. Guess what else: it can't fly.

Taking a gamble or a chance is an innately human condition. Life as we know it would be impossible without chance. Do you feel good when you take chances? If so, I think odds are good that you will find the soulmate.

I take a chance in everything I do. That includes taking a risk or gamble in the people around me and more importantly, in the person I share a life with. In return, I expect my soulmate to expect the same of me; no more and no less. On this score, there has to be a meeting of the minds to agree to accept this condition of each other.

Because to live a full life means taking chances. And to achieve perfection on any level, I think it does mean accepting the gamble: 2 souls both agreeing to take a chance on each other despite their faults and that both agree to ante up.

[Jay]

I have always wondered if I'm too picky and I have even dumped someone because I didn't think they were ambitious enough.

You can't really help who you're attracted to or connect with but if you find yourself picking apart tiny things then you're probably being too picky.

At the same time, don't settle with someone just because you're afraid of being alone.

However, things like ambition, etc are things that I find I need for a relationship to be satisfying and aren't tiny things to me.

[The Gay Species]

Every "perfection" you mention is physical. I guess "head together" counts as non-physical. Don't misunderstand me. Handsomeness is highly desirable feature, but it's not what one has a relationship with. You want a relationship with a commodity, not a human being. In time, you'll grow out of it. When the right person encounters you to be encountered as two individuals, then one can move into the dialectic of togetherness. Until then, you're still shopping for product, not for a person.

[Mike]

I don't believe in mister right - mostly that is something we make up - the right look, the right religion - we can come up with a laundry list of things, but in the end it doesn't work cause even if you are soul mates - you got to WANT to make it work. I have found someone who works because we want it to work. There are hiccups (things aren't so good sexually) but we are working it out together. You are so right about perfection - its more about hanging in there.

[Eric]

I guffawed at the "dick" line...then again when you admitted you laughed too. Good post, my friend. I always enjoy your ramblings.

[param]

Hi nice valid reasons.But I have a question can ugly men like me become gays i have tried to get into reationships but most of them talk about my dicks imperfection and my average looks, i want to be a gay but with al the media showing perfect guys, it looks like only handsome guys can only think about being gay.is there hope for ugly men like me.cheers.

[param]

Hi nice valid reasons.But I have a question can ugly men like me become gays i have tried to get into reationships but most of them talk about my dicks imperfection and my average looks, i want to be a gay but with al the media showing perfect guys, it looks like only handsome guys can only think about being gay.is there hope for ugly men like me.cheers.

[cinti_jack]

Many people gay or straight are narcissists. Their obsession with physical beauty and their shallowness know no bounds. Their delusion is often so well honed that when they ask "why am I still single" they really don't have a clue.

[Jonathan]

And a whole year later I wonder the same things. I came out at 15 and am now 34. I have met one person in that time frame (1995-96) and it lasted one year. One of the biggest things you left out is the fact that gay men only make up about 2% of the male population - no matter WHAT you are looking for our choices are extremely limited unless you plan on moving to different urban areas every year or two. It's just not realistic to expect these kinds of qualities in a population of people so small that in some cities you're just lucky to meet someone gay period. I'm not saying settle for anyone, but I'm saying don't be surprised if ten years later you still find yourself stuck in this abyss. Many gay guys never got an adolescence and thus are about 10-15 years behind straight peers of the same age...so the milestones that your straight friends might be coming up to at 35 don't really apply to you. They for the most part got the chance to learn how to socialize, date, get experiences that many of us haven't even had yet. So we all have to remember that we are expecting a lot out of a group of men who are quite socially awkward, not emotionally ready, and often times unavailable because they've yet to deal with being gay.

Being gay makes us hypocrites because we expect qualities out of other gay men that we ourselves will never be able to achieve. In some ways the internet has really screwed us up because almost every gay site uses straight college athletes as their cover models; in all the years I've been out and all the cities I've been to I've probably seen a few guys who are really gay and look like that. The reality is that you're not going to find a guy who looks like the ones in the gay magazines and websites. Until we realize this - that fantasy is what it is, but reality is quite different - we will never be satisfied with what our selection is.

[Fratty T's Make Us Feel Better]

You meet someone who "does it" for you... at least when the two of you are alone.

The couch snuggling is perfect.

Without even thinking about it, you invite him to brunch, lunch, "out and about" ... but he shows up, you introduce, and it HITS you...

This guy does - not - gel. What the hell? He seemed OK yesterday... What is wrong with me?

Embarrassment.

At some point you hit "eject" and a massive ~WHEW~ comes over you. You tuck yourself back into your comfort zone of friends and activities. You're relieved.

But events conspire and you think, "I really liked that little faggot."

You also realize, perhaps not entirely consciously, that there is a disconnect between what "does it" for you and what you once envisioned for yourself. There is a disconnect between the guys you keep meeting/dating/hooking up with... and the dreamy one you would like to bring home to mama.

I briefly dated a dreamy one. We're now friends and roommates. My parents would love him. But we share very few interests or pastimes and, if we were partners, we'd probably die of mutual boredom or kill each other.

The guy I'm dating is effeminate, tanorexic, messy, an intermittent basket-case, and f@#%ing awesome. It took me a little time to grow a pair and disregard the scoffs of my roommate, the glares of other friends and acquaintances, and the reality that "My parents are going to hate you."

But this weekend I took my effeminate hottie to dinner with one of my best friends. The next day - in his awesome supersouthern accent - my friend said:

"You know... I like him. He's nice, smart, debonair... and this is just one of those situations where you're gonna have to put your friends in their place. He's a sissy, but you're a cocksucker, and sissy happens."