Nice Guys Finish Last

I am a total subscriber to the philosophy that nice guys finish last, at least when it comes to gay dating.

Take my buddy Brian, for example. 

He is one of the most stand-up guys I know. 

Brian owns his own business, is responsible, and is a hard worker. 

More importantly, he'd do anything for his family and friends and is a fantastic, super nice guy. 

Brian is not the type of gay man to make an aggressive move on the first date.  In fact, it's not unheard of for Brian to go on seven or eight dates before trying to lay a kiss on someone.  He cooks dinner for his dates, takes them to art gallery and museum events, and goes out of his way to ensure that they enjoy themselves whenever they're with him. 

Despite all of these efforts, Brian is habitually single.  And often, the guys that Brian takes out all want to "just be friends" after a few dates.   

I've warned Brian about keeping things in the "friend zone" for too long because, unfortunately, it's dangerous to be a complete gentleman in the gay world. 

But why is that? 

What is it about nice guys that sends us running? 

I don't really have an answer.

But I do know that I'm one of those guys who has a soft spot for bad boys. 

My relationships that've worked have all been with guys who didn't just give me a hug at the end of the night . . . my ex-boyfriends all tried (and often succeeded) in doing a whole lot more. 

I always know within the first few minutes of a date whether or not I'm really into someone.  There's a sexual energy between us that distracts me from the food, the concert, the game, or whatever.  All of my thoughts are centered on the guy, not on the other stuff we're eating or doing. 

At the end of a first date, if I've experienced fantastic energy and don't capitalize on it, I'm afraid of it going away . . . and both of our attractions dissipating until, eventually, we cross over into the dreaded "friend zone." 

Now, I'm not talking about full-out sex on the first date (although I haven't ruled it out in the past), but I think that it's important to let the other guy know that you're definitely into him. 

And I don't think that a simple hug or kiss on the cheek does the trick, especially not after a couple of dates. 

Does this just mean that I'm promiscuous, or is this something that other gay men out there experience?

Comments

[abnitude]

i don't think its promiscuous for you to act the way you described in some of your dating experience. i think what you said was te norm. maybe gay men and women hook up fast just by the mere fact they are gay. i feel for what brian is trying to achieve in his dating experience and he sounds like someone that would be great to know and get to that intimate layer. if he is that considerate on dates, i can imagine what the next level may actually be like. you said that you gravitiate to the bad boys, that makes sense too..i think we like to feel some sense of adventure and they fit the bill. glad to see you posting again, i like the way your blog reads.

[Jay]

Nah, definitely not promiscuous. I think I kinda fall into the "nice guy" category but not as much as Brian does. I tend to have more issues getting past that first date but once that's over I'm normally good to go.

I think it's just that gay guys like excitement and adventure and there is this notion that a nice guy can't provide that.

However, waiting 7 or 8 dates until kissing someone is definitely sending the wrong signal to guys but at the same time too many guy guys expect sex at the end of a first date, like it's on the list of to-dos.

[Jon]

Nice guys may finish last (sometimes that's a good thing) but at least we end up on top. Good things do come to those that wait not those the that hesitate so I can agree with you on that. I like Brian. He's a fun interesting guy. Who cares if he is not as sexually oriented person as you are? I think he does damn fine for himself. He maybe single but when he finds a guy I am sure it will last. Guys who are attentive to what other guys are feeling make excellent boyfriends. If he waits till they are both ready than that relationship is more likely to last longer than one who rushes in. My friend only fools rush in and Brian is not a fool. I wouldn't get so hung upon Brian's rules. If that's what makes him comfortable than that’s Brian. One thing I have learned is that you don't try to change your friends they will hate you for it in the end even if it's what's better for them in the long run. Like I said I like Brian I wish more guys were like him. Hell, I wish my boyfriend was more attentive like him but guys like him are one in a million. It's a positive attribute not a negative. It’s nothing more than a difference of personalities....Nice Blog by the way.

[Shaney]

There aren't enough 'nice' gay guys around these days...I think your friend sounds enchanting & almost too good to be true! No one should base their feelings on a sexual level if it is Love they seek...While physical attraction should play some part, too often it is the only reason alot of men get together...Sex on first dates, is kinda like a hook up & I wouldn't suggest it if one really likes a guy for more than his atrractive appeal. A good heart wins hands down, let the sex come when the time is right. Brian sounds wonderful...Bravo!

[Producer]

So, when do I get my own "nice guys finish last" pitch.... signed... "The Producer"

[jake miko del monte]

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