Lost and Found

I've been very lucky. 

I'm 30 years old, and until earlier this month, I'd never lost a close family member. 

But on May 2, 2007, my grandmother died.

She wasn't just my grandmother. 

She was "Granny," my closest grandparent and a big influence in my life. 

She was a farmer's wife, a mother of four, and a selfless woman who loved Big Band music and made the best homemade rolls I've ever tasted. 

Until the day she died, she'd showered her family with endearing love.

My dad warned me at the end of April that her health was failing, and I bought a plane ticket to return to my small hometown for a few days to spend time with her. 

Unfortunately, Granny passed away two days before my flight. 

I attended the sad visitation and mourned her death with close and distant family members.

Along with the other children, I released a balloon as a symbol of my own "goodbye." 

It was a nice, lighthearted gesture, but it didn't give me the feeling of closure that it did for some of the other grandchildren; for me, closure wouldn't come until later. 

After the burial, the immediate family returned to Granny's house, where friends brought fried chicken (a Southern tradition), dressing, sandwiches, dozens of desserts, cheeses, and everything else you can imagine.

Granny's best friend, Ann, was the only non-family-member who stayed with us at the house throughout the day.

Ann had spoken to Granny on the phone every single day for 70 years.  She knew so much about Granny's rich life, and her stories kept us captivated for hours.

Granny was a classic surviver of the Great Depression, and hid cash around the house until the day she died.  In the early years of her marriage when times were tough, she cooked everything from squirrel to raccoon for my grandpa.  She also used to chase my dad and uncle - twins - around with pigs' heads that she'd skinned in the kitchen. 

Like Ann's stories, my own memories of her were vivid. 

When I was young, Granny took care of me.  She taught me how to cook, how to ride a bike, and how to play the piano.  She told me stories about my dad and his siblings that I wouldn't have ever heard otherwise.

More importantly, she showed me how love could conquer any problems that my relatives faced, whether it be divorce, drugs, alcoholism, or lack of faith. 

Her love was unconditional, more enduring of hardship than it should've been, but more pure that any love that I've ever seen.

Her love for my stubborn grandfather, a recent victim of alzheimer's, was unwaiverable.  And Granny's love for her children - a hippie, an angry Southern Baptist, a crazy person, and a classic Type A (my dad) was unpretentious, unqualified, and unending.   

I was Granny's "golden child," - the athlete, the scholar, and the ex-military soldier who she'd bragged about and worried about incessantly.

For the last ten years, every time I journeyed home, Granny asked me about "what girl I was dating."  She wanted me to produce a litter of babies that'd have my father's and grandfather's last name. 

It was an obsession for her.   

Of course I never told her that I was gay. 

That would've crushed her spirits.  She'd never met a gay person, and I know she wouldn't have understood.

Now that she's in a better place, however, I know she grasps why I stopped bringing girls around the farm and why I never married. 

That knowledge gives me a sense of peace, and I finally feel like I've said goodbye to her. 

I found closure with Granny's death when I realized that I no longer had to lie to her about my sexuality. 

Even though this new-found honesty between us didn't come until after she died, it still gives me a sense of relief to know that she sees who I really am and realizes that I can be happy without a traditional lifestyle. 

Comments

[abnitude]

i'm sorry for your loss. your granny sounds like a great person and you are a product of her life lessons. you will keep the stories about her in your heart forever. its been 11 years since i lost my grandmother and i still think about her alot. i was lucky enough to have lived with her in the same household throughout my growing years. i know my grandmother watches over me so i hope you realize that yours will be keeping her eye on you. again..i send my sympathy.

[Shaney]

That was a touching piece of writing & I am sorry for your loss...Your Grandmother is a wonderful lady from what I understand & I am sure she is very proud to know you felt such love towards her...I was 6 years old when I lost my first Grandparent, then again at 15, again at 25 & one Grandpa died 12 years before I was born...I have lost quite a lot of Aunts & Uncles as well so I am not so fortunate to have had them in my life for too long...But it is the memories that keep them alive & although I have few I hold them close to my heart...
Saying goodbye is always hard but the memories of all that was, will never fade so long as you keep them with you...
big hugs on this sad occassion!
xoxox

[Jay]

I am so sorry for your loss. Indeed a touching story and I'm sure that regardless she is proud of who you have become. She sounds like a wonderful and inspiring person.

[Christopher]

So sorry for your loss...your Granny sounds like she had enough stories to write a book about her....and that's a life worth living. I'm glad you found closure...

Great post!.....you made me tear up.

[lee]

I'm very sorry for your recent loss. I can totally relate to you, it wasn't too long ago that my granny passed.I was her favorite, and we both had a connection unlike any other family member.

[Brechi]

My condolences. I just surfed in randomly and you have a great page.

[Synrgy]

Sorry to hear about your Gran... Sounds like she had an amazing life... Her legacy lives on in you... I'm glad, that both of you have found peace...

[Creative Thinker]

Hi -- I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Grandparents are such special people. My own grandmother has been gone for three years now and I still miss her terribly. I just happened upon your blog and I really like it. I am a southerner pretty recently out of the closet. I had the same problems with the religion thing and I haven't told my parents. I read every one of your posts and I feel like I have so much in common with you. Thanks for being real in your posts. I will definately keep reading. Drop me a line at decodent@yahoo.com if you ever need to talk. Take care of yourself.

[Palm Springs Savant]

Sorry to hear about your loss. Its so hard when it happens. I am quite close to my grandmother, I dread the day. My dad dies when I was a kid, so in some ways I've dealt with that for a long time and am prepared, but its still tough.

hang in there. if you need cheering up, stop by and say hi sometime.

[Justin]

I like how you seem to relate to her as still being "here", as it were. I do the same thing with my Grandmother that just passed on. Your love for her is quite evident and very touching. Hang in there man!