Coming Out: The First Friend

Coming out to that first buddy can be a big challenge. 

Some people muster enough courage to do it over lunch or dinner.  Others might take a weekend trip with that special friend to really have a good discussion, or they might simply shoot out an email because they fear their friend's reaction. 

For me, however, it took a lot of alcohol and some serious frustration before I could tell my first friend that I was gay:

On one random weekend last fall, Travis, one of my straight friends, called.

"Hey, what are you doin' tonight?"   

"I don't know yet," I reply.

"You're coming with me to the Walrus Bar.  It's opening night tonight."

"Where is it?"

"Downtown.  Next to my office."

"Cool.  I'll be at your place at 10:00 p.m.  Does that work?"

"Yeah, see you then."

I hang up and sit back in my office chair, thinking of ways to sneak off to a gay bar after Travis gets occupied with a girl.  At this point, I'd only lived in the city for a couple weeks and didn't have any gay friends, so I was in the habit of going out with my straight buddies, helping them score with some chicks, and then rolling solo to the "family" clubs at around 12:30 a.m.  It wasn't fun, but that was all I knew back then. 

As planned, I meet Travis at 10:00 p.m., and we drive to the Walrus Bar. 

When we walk in, I notice that the Walrus isn't a typical metro bar.  It's more like a college dive with cheap pitchers of beer, hardwood floors, and drunk, blond coeds on the prowl for rich husbands. 

Travis and I grab a table and scout the room for hotties. 

Of course, I totally ignore the girls and instead scope for possible "family" members.

Unfortunately, the Walrus is a straight guy's mecca--the guys are few and far between, and the drunk women are plentiful.  This doesn't surprise me.  Most clubs are like that when they first open.

In the past, when Travis and I had gone out, we'd discovered that we were about equal when it came to picking up women.  Neither of us had looks that overshadowed the other's, and both of us were able to carry a conversation.  While neither of us claimed to be the next Brad Pitt, we usually didn't have trouble pulling numbers. 

All of this made me the perfect wing man in Travis's eyes.  In fact, during those first few weeks that I'd moved to the city, he dragged me out several nights a week.

Unlike our other excursions, however, this night was anything but typical. 

This night, I was some kind of magnet for horny girls while Travis repulsed them.

It was hilarious, for a while anyway. 

After a few drinks, a raunchy-looking twenty-two-year-old walks up to me. 

She doesn't even glance at Travis.  Instead, she holds out her hand to me and says, "Hey there."

I can't help but glance at Raunchy Girl's breasts, which aren't big, but are about to fall out of her thin blouse.  Raunchy Girl's hair is bleach blond with jet black roots inching out.  She's wearing a pound of eye makeup and some too-bright red lipstick. 

"Hi," I smile. 

"You're hot!"

I laugh, partially because of how forward she's being and partially because I know that Travis is pissed, not because he likes Raunchy Girl, but because she didn't even notice him. 

"Thanks.  Nice shirt." 

She looks down at her breasts, as if to check and see if anything fell out. 

"Let's get a drink.  I know the bartender."

A couple drinks later, Travis and I ditch Raunchy Girl and walk out on the patio. 

I'm buzzed at this point, and actually wondering how Travis will take it when I decide (one day) to tell him that I'm gay.  I have no idea that that moment is coming very soon.

Travis, dressed sharply in his Lucky Jeans and a tight, button-down shirt, complains about Raunchy Girl and about the lack of hot chicks in the bar. 

As if on cue, a pretty brunette in a sun dress and her skinny blond friend walk right by us. 

I know what Travis is thinking before he says it.

"Matt, let's move back inside."    

Moments later, we're sitting at a table by the door. 

The girls must've seen us looking at them, because they slyly glance at us from the bar. 

Then, to our surprise, they sit at the table beside us and sip a pair of Cosmopolitans.  I look at them a little more closely.  The brunette is strikingly pretty, with intelligent brown eyes and a sensual body.  The blond isn't bad either, but next to her friend, she seems a little plain.

Travis practically drools over the brunette. 

But always the patient hunter, he waits to make his move. 

It's only when the girls make eye contact with us several times that Travis walks over to them.  I'm not really in the mood to talk to these girls, and I think that Travis realizes that, so he leaves me guarding our table. 

Moments later, Travis walks back, pissed.

"She likes you," he says.

"What?" 

"The hot ass girl.  She wants you to go over there."

I laugh.  Whenever Travis doesn't get his way, he gets bitter in a funny way.  I know that he's not really pissed, but just frustrated at the situation.

"I'll just let her come over here," I say, as I couldn't care less about this girl, despite her exotic features.

That doesn't make Travis feel any better. 

But we're both shocked, when, five minutes later, the girls walk over. 

"Thanks for saying hi," the brunette says flirtatiously.

I stand up, introduce myself, and spew out a bunch of bullshit about how we were in a deep conversation that's now finished. 

The girls actually buy the story. 

Just when we've won them back over, however, out of no where, Raunchy Girl walks over.  She actually pushes through the two girls and stands in the middle of our circle staring at me.

"Why are you talking to these two girls?!"  She belts out as she throws her thumb over her shoulder.  "They are so ugly!" 

Nothing like this has ever happened to me, and I'm speechless. 

So are Travis and the two girls.

"If you want to talk to a real woman, I'll be at the bar!"

Raunchy Girl storms away after giving the other girls a nasty stare. 

Now it's the brunette's turn.  "O.k., if you all want to talk to us, come on over to our table," she says. 

The brunette and the blond turn and walk back to their table, which is only a few feet away.  I see it as a silly gesture, so I just back down in my own chair. 

"Matt!"  Travis exclaims, "What're you doing?  Get over there!" 

At this point, I'm flattered by all the attention, but annoyed at the way the night is going.  Plus, I see my chances of escaping to the "family" bars as a distant hope. 

Frustrated, I muster up the courage to tell Travis why I don't give a shit about these aggressive girls. 

"Travis, on a scale of 1 to 10, how drunk are you right now?"

"What?!" 

"Come with me outside," I say as I walk towards the patio door and repeat the last question.

"I don't know, dude.  Maybe an 8.  Why?"

"Um, if there was something major in my life, would you want me to tell you?  I mean, would you rather us go on being friends and you being in the dark about something?"

I realize that my question makes absolutely no sense, so I just blurt it out, "Trav, I'm gay.  I like guys."

"Are you serious?"  He asks. 

"Yeah, I'm not kidding, dude."

A wave of calmness suddenly falls over my friend, as if his predatory skills vanish for the night.

"Well, that's . . . cool, I guess."

"It's cool?"

"Yeah, Matt.  You know, I think I've always kind of known." 

"Really?"

"Yes, it's not your mannerisms or anything.  I mean, you don't act gay.  But . . . I can't put my finger on it.  I just knew."

For the rest of the night, Travis and I talk about my ex-boyfriends, my girlfriends during law school, and the rest of my coming out journey. 

It turns out to be a great night, and I somehow even manage to make out with the brunette before we leave, which practically throws Travis over the edge. 

In the months that have followed that night at the Walrus, Travis and I have become much closer friends.  To my surprise, he could've cared less about my sexuality.  The only thing that Travis was upset about was that I'd lied to him for the three years that we'd known each other. 

He's now fully integrated into my life, however, and shares in my dating and relationship failures and successes. 

I have Johnny Walker, Raunchy Girl, and an exotic brunette who kissed a gay guy to thank for helping me over this first hurdle. 

More importantly, I have Travis to thank for taking everything so well and for valuing my friendship enough to accept me for who I am.

Comments

[rcapt]

I think its great to see such a positive coming out story to be shared. I must echo the anger response received by close friends, especially coming out later in life as I did (my 30's). Many said they felt hurt that I didn't trust them. The only thing I was able to share was that after the less-than-positive initial response from some of my immediate family, I was afraid. I mean come on, family is supposed to accept you no matter what, and they struggled, so I panicked about what the rest would do. Thank goodness the people I CHOSE to surround me were much better at hearing me and accepted me with open arms. Peace....

[Justin]

Congrats man!

The most liberating feeling I have ever experienced was my friends/family acceptance of my for who I truly am.

It's never easy, but then anything that's worth as much rarely ever is.

Take care and good luck down the road.

[jay]

I did the whole drunk coming out thing a few weeks ago to two of my friends. They took it really well too and not because they were drunk.

They actually got really pissed at me that I didn't tell them sooner but similar to you, close friends always know even if they can't put their finger on it exactly.

I do feel alot closer to the friends I've come out to now that I can share my entire life with them as I can just be me.

[Michael-inNorfolk]

Thanks for sharing your story. I think there are so many of us who have had similar experiences. I know I was fairly drunk when I told the first friend that I was gay. I was a mess.

I have found that with each successive coming out hurdle, I feel freer than ever before. It's too bad we still live in a society that makes the whole coming out experience so scary.

[Shaney]

A friend worth hanging on to by all means...You sure are lucky to have Travis in your life & he - you...Besides he would be in his element now when a sexy brunette happens to walk by, knowing she dont have to choose between the two of you...*winks* Great story & thankyou for sharing it with us...xxx

[abnitude]

i hope you are prood of both yourself and your friend travis. it was a wonderful story and an inspiration.

[Greg]

Thanks for sharing that Chad. Encouraging.

[Hamilton]

Nice story. Nice blog too. Thanks for sharing.

[Adnan Ahmed MD]

Thanks for sharing your coming out experience to your first friend in Dallas. You were very lucky that he was a gentleman about it. Sometimes, I feel that coming out to your family is easier than to your friends (it was for me), but I guess its different for different people. While I was lucky that all but one of my close friends are either gay-friendly or have no orientation issues (and the homophobe didn't pose any physical or emotional threat to me), many aren't as fortunate because they come out to the wrong people at the wrong time.