Urban Insanity

Gays and Depression

This is a very difficult post for me to write, and until a few days ago, I'd convinced myself that this was a private matter that didn't belong on the blog. 

But then I had a conversation in a chat room with an army soldier who absolutely hated himself and other gay men and was disgusted by homosexuality in general.  This brief chat reminded me just how tough the struggle was for me to reconcile my career goals, family relationships, and religion with my sexuality. 

Hopefully, by reading this entry, someone out there will better understand what they're going through right now and find their own way to cope with it.    

For two years, up until March of 2006, I suffered from depression. 

I never went to get counseling for it, was never medicated, and didn't even really know what was wrong with me at the time. 

It all happened while I was in law school, a place where a lot of people, gay and straight, experience depression because of the stress and competitiveness. 

But still, people who knew me back then would've been shocked to know I was anything but happy. 

I was the pinnacle of success, at the top of my class, published in an Ivy league journal, and the best mock trial competitor in school.  I was popular amongst both students and faculty, and I could've dated any girl on campus.  I mentored dozens of law students on how to get published, how to win barrister events, and funny enough, how to make it through law school with their sanity.

But through all of this, I was miserable.

Now that I look back, I believe that several challenges caused my depression: 

Part of it was the pressures of law school. 

Part of it was financial stress. 

Part of it was my brutal fight with God over homosexuality.

My break up with Rick, the game warden, certainly didn't help. 

But I think that the biggest influence was that, after Rick and I went our separate ways, I tried to go back to women. 

I had visions of a white picket fence, children, a dog, and a two-story house in suburbia, and I decided I'd try one last time to "go straight."  After all, I thought, my folks would be fantastic grandparents, and they're just dying for some grandkids and a daughter-in-law. 

It was during that period that my depression was the worst. 

For the most part, the days were good.  As long as I was laughing with friends or swamped with work, I didn't have time to dwell on my emptiness inside. 

But the nights always got me.  It was as if a shadow fell over me whenever the sun went down. 

I can't begin to count all of the sad nights I went to bed wanting to ball my eyes out.  I felt such an emptiness, like a void deep within me that desperately needed to be filled.   

And I had no clue why. 

Suicide even danced through my mind while I laid there between the sheets staring up at my dark bedroom ceiling.  I never actually made any concrete plans to off myself, but I pondered over and over again how easy it'd be and how many problems it'd solve.  I owned guns, and knew it'd only take a matter of minutes.

I never actually drew up solid plans to kill myself. 

I think it was the thought of my parents, and how devastated they'd be, that kept me from taking that next step.  After all, suicide is such a self-centered act.  My family is very close, and I knew that my folks would never fully recover from losing their only son.   

For two years, I tried to date women. 

I broke several hearts, hearts of beautiful, intelligent girls who were fooled into believing I could really love them. 

I got so sick of lying to everyone and sneaking out to the only gay bar in the small college town. 

At one point, I got tired of sex with women and really tired of making up excuses not to be intimate with my girlfriends. 

I felt immense guilt almost every day for the last year of law school, and I was restless, throwing myself into studying, work, and writing to avoid my depression and my illicit life.   

Finally, when I couldn't make "being straight" work out with a gorgeous, blond neurosurgeon who'd been a college cheerleader, I knew that my days of hunting for women were finished. 

She was amazing, one of a kind, and quite possibly the sweetest person I've ever met. 

I felt terrible for leading her on for so long. 

But something good came out of that last relationship.  Starting on the day that we broke it off in March of 2006, I've remained true to my sexuality and true to my attraction to men. 

Sure, I'm not out to everyone in the world yet, but I'm at least completely out to myself. 

The day that I finally accepted that I could only ever love another man, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

I can't remember feeling truly depressed since that point in my life. 

Of course there're still days when I'm down, just like anyone else, but I've never once laid in bed pondering the pros and cons of suicide. 

Since graduating from law school and moving to the city to practice law, I've come out to several friends.

Each time I come out to someone, my life gets a little better, and I get a little happier. 

For me, depression took a hard toll.  But I was able to get through it by finally being true to myself and to some of the people close to me.

I look forward to the day that I'm fully out to all of my friends and family, and I hope that the soldier I chatted with can find peace in his struggle.

*A non-profit, ad-free site that gives advice about dealing with depression and provides a list of psychologists in the U.S. is:  http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/help.html

Gay With God

I grew up Methodist. 

I did all of the things good Christian straight boys should do.  I went to Sunday School a couple times a month, watched my mom sing in the choir, and even acted as an Arabian-looking Wise Man in the "March to the Manger" on Christmas Eve one year.  The church didn't have any dark skinned people, and for some reason wanted a black Wise Man, so one of the blue-haired ladies covered my skin in black makeup.  I still joke with friends that I turned gay because of that Christmas pageant.

After I flew the coop and left for college, I realized and admitted to myself that I was gay.  I knew that I couldn't fight the lustful urges much longer and sought some advice from the good book, which had always been part of my personal library.  Finding no clarification, I got frustrated.  I didn't understand why God, in all his wisdom and glory, would throw me this serious handicap.  If you listen to a strict constructionist - someone who follows the bible word-by-word - being homosexual is ok, but acting on it by "fornicating with men" is not.  Many people also believe that homosexuals can "pray away" our gayness and ultimately repress our desires. 

For me, at least, that wasn't possible. 

Sadly, I drifted away from my faith, the church, God, everything.  The saddest part about it was that I didn't even understand what the scriptures about homosexuality meant.  I never tried to analyze them.  Hell, I didn't even know what scriptures to look at!  I just assumed that the bible said that homosexuality was bad.  After all, that's what the ultra-conservatives were preaching.  Now that I look back, I guess it was just easier to write off God by accepting the prevailing conservative opinion instead of performing my own hard-core study. 

It wasn't until January of this year that I went back to church for the first time.  Funny, I drifted from God for seven years, and the very thing that drove me away from him brought me back.

His name was Nathan, and he was gorgeous.

Tall, blond, angular face, mid-thirties, with boyish, All-American, guy-next-door looks.  My friend Brian told me that he worked for a large hotel chain but liked to preach on the side. 

Indeed, even in the smoky haze of the bar, Nathan seemed to have a halo-like aura surrounding him.  People loved to touch him, as if he was some kind of celebrity or deity. 

We made eye contact, and he gave me a friendly, let's-talk-about-Jesus grin. 

I never once asked myself 'What would Jesus do?' 

Instead, I walked up to him and said hello.   

Coincidentally, Nathan went to Brian's church, which was Methodist.  Brian had been trying to get me there for weeks without success, but when Nathan told me that he was a devout attendee, I was sold. 

That Sunday, Brian and I rolled into the church's contemporary service--another first for me.  I'd always gone to traditional ones in the past. 

It was surprisingly enjoyable, way different from the stuffy ones I'd been subjected to as a kid.  It would've been more inspiring if Nathan hadn't miraculously appeared twenty minutes into the service.  He sat down right next to me, so close that our legs were touching. 

It was ridiculous.  I had an instant hard-on in church.      

Over the next couple weeks, Nathan and I tried to get together.  Unfortunately, our schedules never seemed to mesh.  I eventually ended up dating someone else, and Nathan and I went our separate ways.  But I stuck with the church. 

It's members are primarily white, but the contemporary pastor is a spunky, stylish black woman named Shante.  Shante is awesome, supportive of gay relationships, and incredibly inspiring.  In fact, a few weeks ago, she gave a sermon so moving that I left with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I prayed for the first time in years that night. 

Equally important, Shante inspired me to figure out my own answer to the "Gay with God" issue.  I spent hours upon end searching on Google. 

I've only come to three conclusions so far, but considering the rut I was in, I think it's a great start:

1.  The bible was generated from a compilation of numerous books written by numerous authors.  Each author had his own angle, point-of-view, and moral background.  Only a couple of the bible's authors mentioned that homosexuality was wrong.  Jesus never said anything about it.  I can't accept the opinion that gay relationships offend God when the bible's wording is so sparse on the topic.

2.  In my past, I've lied, stolen, cheated, fought, gossiped, and turned away people in need.  All of those felt like sins, and I'm confident they still would today.  Being in a gay relationship does not feel like a sin.  I think that God instills in us a set of morals.  Some people choose to ignore those morals, but everyone who isn't completely insane realizes what is right and what is wrong.  I simply don't feel like 'being gay' is wrong.

3.  The most important revelation:  God used a gay man to get me to a particular church, and in a few short weeks, I've totally changed my attitude on being "gay with God." 

Tomorrow is Easter, and I am looking forward to another outstanding service with Shante.

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The best website I found to walk me through the bible's nuances is: http://www.jlarue.com/wtbs.html . 

The site is unbiased, well-written, and most importantly, well-researched.