Gays and Depression

This is a very difficult post for me to write, and until a few days ago, I'd convinced myself that this was a private matter that didn't belong on the blog. 

But then I had a conversation in a chat room with an army soldier who absolutely hated himself and other gay men and was disgusted by homosexuality in general.  This brief chat reminded me just how tough the struggle was for me to reconcile my career goals, family relationships, and religion with my sexuality. 

Hopefully, by reading this entry, someone out there will better understand what they're going through right now and find their own way to cope with it.    

For two years, up until March of 2006, I suffered from depression. 

I never went to get counseling for it, was never medicated, and didn't even really know what was wrong with me at the time. 

It all happened while I was in law school, a place where a lot of people, gay and straight, experience depression because of the stress and competitiveness. 

But still, people who knew me back then would've been shocked to know I was anything but happy. 

I was the pinnacle of success, at the top of my class, published in an Ivy league journal, and the best mock trial competitor in school.  I was popular amongst both students and faculty, and I could've dated any girl on campus.  I mentored dozens of law students on how to get published, how to win barrister events, and funny enough, how to make it through law school with their sanity.

But through all of this, I was miserable.

Now that I look back, I believe that several challenges caused my depression: 

Part of it was the pressures of law school. 

Part of it was financial stress. 

Part of it was my brutal fight with God over homosexuality.

My break up with Rick, the game warden, certainly didn't help. 

But I think that the biggest influence was that, after Rick and I went our separate ways, I tried to go back to women. 

I had visions of a white picket fence, children, a dog, and a two-story house in suburbia, and I decided I'd try one last time to "go straight."  After all, I thought, my folks would be fantastic grandparents, and they're just dying for some grandkids and a daughter-in-law. 

It was during that period that my depression was the worst. 

For the most part, the days were good.  As long as I was laughing with friends or swamped with work, I didn't have time to dwell on my emptiness inside. 

But the nights always got me.  It was as if a shadow fell over me whenever the sun went down. 

I can't begin to count all of the sad nights I went to bed wanting to ball my eyes out.  I felt such an emptiness, like a void deep within me that desperately needed to be filled.   

And I had no clue why. 

Suicide even danced through my mind while I laid there between the sheets staring up at my dark bedroom ceiling.  I never actually made any concrete plans to off myself, but I pondered over and over again how easy it'd be and how many problems it'd solve.  I owned guns, and knew it'd only take a matter of minutes.

I never actually drew up solid plans to kill myself. 

I think it was the thought of my parents, and how devastated they'd be, that kept me from taking that next step.  After all, suicide is such a self-centered act.  My family is very close, and I knew that my folks would never fully recover from losing their only son.   

For two years, I tried to date women. 

I broke several hearts, hearts of beautiful, intelligent girls who were fooled into believing I could really love them. 

I got so sick of lying to everyone and sneaking out to the only gay bar in the small college town. 

At one point, I got tired of sex with women and really tired of making up excuses not to be intimate with my girlfriends. 

I felt immense guilt almost every day for the last year of law school, and I was restless, throwing myself into studying, work, and writing to avoid my depression and my illicit life.   

Finally, when I couldn't make "being straight" work out with a gorgeous, blond neurosurgeon who'd been a college cheerleader, I knew that my days of hunting for women were finished. 

She was amazing, one of a kind, and quite possibly the sweetest person I've ever met. 

I felt terrible for leading her on for so long. 

But something good came out of that last relationship.  Starting on the day that we broke it off in March of 2006, I've remained true to my sexuality and true to my attraction to men. 

Sure, I'm not out to everyone in the world yet, but I'm at least completely out to myself. 

The day that I finally accepted that I could only ever love another man, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

I can't remember feeling truly depressed since that point in my life. 

Of course there're still days when I'm down, just like anyone else, but I've never once laid in bed pondering the pros and cons of suicide. 

Since graduating from law school and moving to the city to practice law, I've come out to several friends.

Each time I come out to someone, my life gets a little better, and I get a little happier. 

For me, depression took a hard toll.  But I was able to get through it by finally being true to myself and to some of the people close to me.

I look forward to the day that I'm fully out to all of my friends and family, and I hope that the soldier I chatted with can find peace in his struggle.

*A non-profit, ad-free site that gives advice about dealing with depression and provides a list of psychologists in the U.S. is:  http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/help.html

Comments

[Mauricio]

First of all, I would like to thank you. By this time in my life, I've hardly denied my attraction to men, and somewhat I still do. Probably my age wouldn't be an excuse, but It gets really hard to think to come out to friends and family.
Until now, I've had only one girlfriend, due to my insecurity, I didn't feel so good. A few days ago, I saw an old friend, for whom I had such huge feelings, for the first time, I've fallen really in love with someone, yet secretly.
This made me realize a lot of things, even though I'm still confused. I'm starting to see things I couldn't before, and how happy I can be acepting what I really am.
Revealing what you just did to us, somehow strenghtened me, to see that there are people just like me and many more.
Probably I shouldn't have shared all this event, but I'm still convincing myself of my state.
I deeply thank you and thank you all.
Me :)

[Jeff]

Wow, thank you so much for helping us gay men who are still in the closet out there. I can no longer deny who I am for so many years. It sure has taken a toll on me for quite a long time because I keep searching for the solution. I made my decision to come out to one of my great friends. He's straight but I respect him and want to ask him to be my best friend if possible. I had some thought about ending my life but then I couldn't do it because my loved ones and family members would be the ones who get hurt most. So, I kept living lie until now. I said I have to do something about this issue so I can take some weights off my shoulder.
I sincerely thank you and again thank you for sharing your thought with us all.....
Jeff

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[Jesse]

Thank you for sharing. I feel the exact same way you had felt during the night. I'm afraid I will never be able to accept myself for my sexuality. My parents are amazing, my friends are great and would most definately accept me... but for some reason I am unable to accept myself.

I am a very confident person but for some reason I become extremely insecure when I talk or think about sexual orientation. I am unable to have any form of relationship with anyone. I am definately not strong enough to be able to tell others due to so many people just default hating me for that fact alone instead of getting to know me.

I'm afraid what will happen when I'm done with college. I've dove into 18 credit semesters and working 30 hours a week. I am also in several organizations and volunteer in the community. I think this is a mechanism of staying busy so I can cope.

I hope you stay strong to who you are and good luck with everything!

[John]

It's 2010 and your story is still having a positive affect.

[Shaun]

This is a Great article. Although not a beleiver in any 'greater entity' I too have struggled through.

I pretended to be straigh for so long. It hurt ever time. Eventually i couldn't stomach it any more.

I did something silly got caught and forced out for the closet. Also the army found out i got a hard time.

But after 2 years i am slowly learning to piece together a life.

[mr x]

i think im going through this. it tears away at my mind everyday but im so scared about coming out.

[katty]

well im a 13 years girl im not lesbian or enything but u have always believe that there is nottin wrong with being gay and after i read this story my believes are even stronger. this story really help me understand how gays and lesbians fell and now that i know is could see why they always end up killing them self and i really hope for gays to get there rights all over the world!!!

[Darrell]

I feel a lot better about being gay now...thank you...i was having those dark ceiling suicide thoughts too.

[Paco]

I know what you're going through
I'm dealing with it right now
I'm in love with my best friend but I feel like if I tell him he might not want to be friends with me anymore
we both go to the same church and he is very religous
I hate myself and I'm dying inside because I can't tell anyone
I know I'm gay but I don't know if I can tell anyone else

[RF]

For those of us who had little difficulty appreciating our sexuality, there can be other pains.

For me, I was met with mockery in High School for my feelings, which I tried to suppress.

As an adult, men aren't openly hostile. They just distance themselves.

I don't have the luxury of living in a community where there is an open gay presence and the online scene hasn't worked for me.

I think about suicide often because I haven't had sex in about four years. Positive thinking won't make me younger and fix my body. The best I can hope for is the use of antidepressants for the sexual side-effects – a Turing-like chemical castration.

[TRUJILLOCorine18]

I guess that to receive the loans from banks you should have a good motivation. But, one time I've got a sba loan, just because I wanted to buy a bike.

[Stefan]

Thank you for the post. I often feel the same.

I've probably hit the bottom now.. :(

Optimistic though.. your story helped.

[Timothy]

You'll never know how much this meant to me. . . Thank you.

[rahul]

Hi! while i was reading..i felt that the same situation i m facing...word by word same...its difficult to be gay in India..dont see any rays of hope..just want to kill myself..i hate being a gay..but cant take this step as my parents will be never be same again after loosing me...what to do.cant say much but feel that my life is a curse forever...