Gays and Depression

This is a very difficult post for me to write, and until a few days ago, I'd convinced myself that this was a private matter that didn't belong on the blog. 

But then I had a conversation in a chat room with an army soldier who absolutely hated himself and other gay men and was disgusted by homosexuality in general.  This brief chat reminded me just how tough the struggle was for me to reconcile my career goals, family relationships, and religion with my sexuality. 

Hopefully, by reading this entry, someone out there will better understand what they're going through right now and find their own way to cope with it.    

For two years, up until March of 2006, I suffered from depression. 

I never went to get counseling for it, was never medicated, and didn't even really know what was wrong with me at the time. 

It all happened while I was in law school, a place where a lot of people, gay and straight, experience depression because of the stress and competitiveness. 

But still, people who knew me back then would've been shocked to know I was anything but happy. 

I was the pinnacle of success, at the top of my class, published in an Ivy league journal, and the best mock trial competitor in school.  I was popular amongst both students and faculty, and I could've dated any girl on campus.  I mentored dozens of law students on how to get published, how to win barrister events, and funny enough, how to make it through law school with their sanity.

But through all of this, I was miserable.

Now that I look back, I believe that several challenges caused my depression: 

Part of it was the pressures of law school. 

Part of it was financial stress. 

Part of it was my brutal fight with God over homosexuality.

My break up with Rick, the game warden, certainly didn't help. 

But I think that the biggest influence was that, after Rick and I went our separate ways, I tried to go back to women. 

I had visions of a white picket fence, children, a dog, and a two-story house in suburbia, and I decided I'd try one last time to "go straight."  After all, I thought, my folks would be fantastic grandparents, and they're just dying for some grandkids and a daughter-in-law. 

It was during that period that my depression was the worst. 

For the most part, the days were good.  As long as I was laughing with friends or swamped with work, I didn't have time to dwell on my emptiness inside. 

But the nights always got me.  It was as if a shadow fell over me whenever the sun went down. 

I can't begin to count all of the sad nights I went to bed wanting to ball my eyes out.  I felt such an emptiness, like a void deep within me that desperately needed to be filled.   

And I had no clue why. 

Suicide even danced through my mind while I laid there between the sheets staring up at my dark bedroom ceiling.  I never actually made any concrete plans to off myself, but I pondered over and over again how easy it'd be and how many problems it'd solve.  I owned guns, and knew it'd only take a matter of minutes.

I never actually drew up solid plans to kill myself. 

I think it was the thought of my parents, and how devastated they'd be, that kept me from taking that next step.  After all, suicide is such a self-centered act.  My family is very close, and I knew that my folks would never fully recover from losing their only son.   

For two years, I tried to date women. 

I broke several hearts, hearts of beautiful, intelligent girls who were fooled into believing I could really love them. 

I got so sick of lying to everyone and sneaking out to the only gay bar in the small college town. 

At one point, I got tired of sex with women and really tired of making up excuses not to be intimate with my girlfriends. 

I felt immense guilt almost every day for the last year of law school, and I was restless, throwing myself into studying, work, and writing to avoid my depression and my illicit life.   

Finally, when I couldn't make "being straight" work out with a gorgeous, blond neurosurgeon who'd been a college cheerleader, I knew that my days of hunting for women were finished. 

She was amazing, one of a kind, and quite possibly the sweetest person I've ever met. 

I felt terrible for leading her on for so long. 

But something good came out of that last relationship.  Starting on the day that we broke it off in March of 2006, I've remained true to my sexuality and true to my attraction to men. 

Sure, I'm not out to everyone in the world yet, but I'm at least completely out to myself. 

The day that I finally accepted that I could only ever love another man, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

I can't remember feeling truly depressed since that point in my life. 

Of course there're still days when I'm down, just like anyone else, but I've never once laid in bed pondering the pros and cons of suicide. 

Since graduating from law school and moving to the city to practice law, I've come out to several friends.

Each time I come out to someone, my life gets a little better, and I get a little happier. 

For me, depression took a hard toll.  But I was able to get through it by finally being true to myself and to some of the people close to me.

I look forward to the day that I'm fully out to all of my friends and family, and I hope that the soldier I chatted with can find peace in his struggle.

*A non-profit, ad-free site that gives advice about dealing with depression and provides a list of psychologists in the U.S. is:  http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/help.html

Comments

[Brian]

I want to congratulate you for having the openness and strength of character to share your struggles with issues such as depression, religion, and sexual orientation. It is reassuring to hear that your depression was primarily situational in nature. I would hesitate though in calling suicide a self-centered act. Many people who commit suicide suffer from extreme mental disorders.

[abnitude]

i have to admire your post tonight for all the feelings you were able to share with us. its a testimony to you to see how you went from one end of the spectrum to the other and how you crawled out of a hole and survived. i think alot of people that suffer from depression can;t see an end to that feeling, as i'm sure you felt in college. you show an honest depiction of the disease and how it can get better. i hope others read your post and maybe one person will feel a little better for it.

[Mr. Intellectual]

Thanks for this. I think I know how you felt.

[kenny]

I know that feeling when you accept the fact that your gay. It was I was so relieved. I felt so much better about myself too. I think I might be going into a depressed state right now I don't know. I'm not out to anyone and it's begining to take its toll.

[Dave]

Wow ... reading this was powerful for me this morning! Thanks for providing so much insight into myself by sharing your thoughts. I can relate to just about every word, experience and action you wrote. Especially your heartfelt sorrow over leading women on. My own heart still aches when I think back to similar history for me.

I also want to reassure "kenny" that the emotional oppression of being gay in today's world leaves a lasting mark even after coming out (to all or to a few). I am out to many, not all, and even though I have been blessed by every single person I came out to thus far reacting with a "yeah, so? You are still you and we love YOU, as you are", and that I am in a loving (but not live with) relationship with a man, I still beat myself up from time to time for being gay (like it's something I chose!), and for not being ME right from the start when I really did know (like early teens!). So, "kenny", just don't set yourself up for believing that coming out will solve that for you ... society has already wreaked some strong emotional damage that absolutely can be contended with ... with a strong support structure and constant emotional "work" on yourself. YOU are still YOU ... and YOU need to focus on the total YOU to be the best contribution to this world you can be. Don't waste time working on being gay, we all need to work on our "total" selves constantly.

[tornwordo]

I can read the pain, and yet all I want to say is carry on, carry on.

[jay]

Whilst I didn't consider suicide, I did indeed spend many years trying to force myself to be straight.

It never worked and the last girl I hit on, when she turned me down, I just spilled my guts to her and we've been best friends every since.

It is indeed true that everytime I come out to more of my friends, I feel so much better and somehow I think they feel better too.

The last group of friends I told felt I didn't like them because I wouldn't invite them to certain parties.

At least they know now why..

[eric]

Hey there,
I've been away so I just saw this post.
I suffered from a long-term physical ailment that literally was NEVER cured. Doctors, holistic medicine, prayer like you wouldn't believe (hello evangelical upbringing). What cured it? In all seriousness, it went "poof!" the day I looked in the mirror and said, "I'm gay" to myself.
I never would have believed I had psychologically hurt myself so much I had a physical problem.
I also went through a small, though unrelated, depression and it's amazing how you cannot recognize it while you're in it but, once removed, the signs are so clear.
I'm proud and happy for you, though! You sound like everything is coming together and you're growing as a person, which is all we can do.

[nate]

I'm going through a similar struggle. I'm actually in law school, too. The difficulty of law school coupled with debating within myself when I should come out to friends and family is really a defeating process. I just want to be me and get on with my life.

I've, sadly, even entertained the idea of deferring for a year so that I can try to get my life figured out. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point. I just hope the answer comes soon... and quickly...

[Travis]

I know how it feels and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I too am gay, well I just kind of accepted that, I'm having issues like that too. Just I'm sixteen, and in high school. I have a girlfriend and I "think" that I like her, but I'm not sure that I'm just trying to make myself like her because I dont want to be what I am. I'm in denial. I dont have a problem with hurting her because its not that serious and there are some religious hinderances that will seperate us after high school and sadly we'll never see eachother again. But I feel that if I can make her happy for now then thats the best thing I can do, because she nows that it wont last. I have told some of my friends-oddly enough they're all girls...I'm just torn with the fact that I have to hide myself from my parents and the whole school...If I come out the school talks about me behind my back and hates me, I hurt my girlfriends feelings and I'm miserable..I can't tell my father because I'm his only son. The son every father should be proud of and know will pass down the family line...I just guess it'll stop here with me..:(
Thanks for being a vent :)

[daniel]

wow, i know they say you not alone, but wow, im only 15 but i know exactly how you feel right now. i'm at the "just laughing with friends, getting in work and cry at night stage", but i hope someday i can open to myself my like you and no longer feel sadness every single day. i don't know you really, and you don't know me, but you are my inspiriation. thank you.

[Ron]

hey bud congrates on comin out. I did 3 yrs ago. I was married for 14 yrs have 3 beautiful girls. It was the best thing I ever did. Im now true to myself as well as my family and friends.
Rock on man!

[RandomGoogleUser]

Thank you so much for this. If possible, and not to sound melodramatic, my life changed when I read this. I'm 17, in my senior year, never had a relationship, depressed as all hell, and out to maybe 6 people. It's high time I learn to accept it for myself.

[kimi]

that was great! im just researching in internet about depressions for my term paper because it sounds interesting and as i go on my research i noticed your blog and i read it, really great. i had that feelings too and decided to commit suicide but then i offered myself to God and that's it i changed my life and stayed happy with my friends.

[mark]

but it feels like accepting it would mean its too late after that.

i cant even BEGIN to understand WHY im gay. I need to know

thank you