Gay With God

I grew up Methodist. 

I did all of the things good Christian straight boys should do.  I went to Sunday School a couple times a month, watched my mom sing in the choir, and even acted as an Arabian-looking Wise Man in the "March to the Manger" on Christmas Eve one year.  The church didn't have any dark skinned people, and for some reason wanted a black Wise Man, so one of the blue-haired ladies covered my skin in black makeup.  I still joke with friends that I turned gay because of that Christmas pageant.

After I flew the coop and left for college, I realized and admitted to myself that I was gay.  I knew that I couldn't fight the lustful urges much longer and sought some advice from the good book, which had always been part of my personal library.  Finding no clarification, I got frustrated.  I didn't understand why God, in all his wisdom and glory, would throw me this serious handicap.  If you listen to a strict constructionist - someone who follows the bible word-by-word - being homosexual is ok, but acting on it by "fornicating with men" is not.  Many people also believe that homosexuals can "pray away" our gayness and ultimately repress our desires. 

For me, at least, that wasn't possible. 

Sadly, I drifted away from my faith, the church, God, everything.  The saddest part about it was that I didn't even understand what the scriptures about homosexuality meant.  I never tried to analyze them.  Hell, I didn't even know what scriptures to look at!  I just assumed that the bible said that homosexuality was bad.  After all, that's what the ultra-conservatives were preaching.  Now that I look back, I guess it was just easier to write off God by accepting the prevailing conservative opinion instead of performing my own hard-core study. 

It wasn't until January of this year that I went back to church for the first time.  Funny, I drifted from God for seven years, and the very thing that drove me away from him brought me back.

His name was Nathan, and he was gorgeous.

Tall, blond, angular face, mid-thirties, with boyish, All-American, guy-next-door looks.  My friend Brian told me that he worked for a large hotel chain but liked to preach on the side. 

Indeed, even in the smoky haze of the bar, Nathan seemed to have a halo-like aura surrounding him.  People loved to touch him, as if he was some kind of celebrity or deity. 

We made eye contact, and he gave me a friendly, let's-talk-about-Jesus grin. 

I never once asked myself 'What would Jesus do?' 

Instead, I walked up to him and said hello.   

Coincidentally, Nathan went to Brian's church, which was Methodist.  Brian had been trying to get me there for weeks without success, but when Nathan told me that he was a devout attendee, I was sold. 

That Sunday, Brian and I rolled into the church's contemporary service--another first for me.  I'd always gone to traditional ones in the past. 

It was surprisingly enjoyable, way different from the stuffy ones I'd been subjected to as a kid.  It would've been more inspiring if Nathan hadn't miraculously appeared twenty minutes into the service.  He sat down right next to me, so close that our legs were touching. 

It was ridiculous.  I had an instant hard-on in church.      

Over the next couple weeks, Nathan and I tried to get together.  Unfortunately, our schedules never seemed to mesh.  I eventually ended up dating someone else, and Nathan and I went our separate ways.  But I stuck with the church. 

It's members are primarily white, but the contemporary pastor is a spunky, stylish black woman named Shante.  Shante is awesome, supportive of gay relationships, and incredibly inspiring.  In fact, a few weeks ago, she gave a sermon so moving that I left with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I prayed for the first time in years that night. 

Equally important, Shante inspired me to figure out my own answer to the "Gay with God" issue.  I spent hours upon end searching on Google. 

I've only come to three conclusions so far, but considering the rut I was in, I think it's a great start:

1.  The bible was generated from a compilation of numerous books written by numerous authors.  Each author had his own angle, point-of-view, and moral background.  Only a couple of the bible's authors mentioned that homosexuality was wrong.  Jesus never said anything about it.  I can't accept the opinion that gay relationships offend God when the bible's wording is so sparse on the topic.

2.  In my past, I've lied, stolen, cheated, fought, gossiped, and turned away people in need.  All of those felt like sins, and I'm confident they still would today.  Being in a gay relationship does not feel like a sin.  I think that God instills in us a set of morals.  Some people choose to ignore those morals, but everyone who isn't completely insane realizes what is right and what is wrong.  I simply don't feel like 'being gay' is wrong.

3.  The most important revelation:  God used a gay man to get me to a particular church, and in a few short weeks, I've totally changed my attitude on being "gay with God." 

Tomorrow is Easter, and I am looking forward to another outstanding service with Shante.

- - -

The best website I found to walk me through the bible's nuances is: http://www.jlarue.com/wtbs.html . 

The site is unbiased, well-written, and most importantly, well-researched.          

Comments

[johnmichael]

One of my biggest struggles with being gay is a religious issue. I have so many different feelings about it. In my heart I know that this is genetic, that we were born this way, and because we were born this way, God made us like this.
But I still struggle daily with all of this. I pray daily, read the Bible daily and try to draw myself closer to God on a daily basis. I think it will forever be one of my hurdles.

Right on! I think your conclusions so far are just right, and I hope they sustain you. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay -- as gay men we can do wrong things, just like anyone, but that's beside the point. Sounds like you have a great resource in Shate, and hopefully in that blond bf as well! Good luck!

[Scrote]

I am so much like you, having had a strongly Christian upbringing. I was a regular church-goer until six years ago. Like you, I have spent many hours researching the issue and I now understand that sexual orientation is a Biblical non-issue. As you pointed out, Jesus said absolutely nothing about it. Thankfully there are some churches and preachers, like yours, who take a sensible and intelligent approach to homosexuality. They've actually bothered to look at the facts, rather than hysterically read more into the Bible than what's actually there. Please continue to keep us apprised of your faith/sexuality journey. I find it quite interesting.

[ViJay]

Thank you for this post. I am questioning my sexuality and one major road block of mine is religion. I really want to join a church that has no bias against people like us.

In one way, you gave me hope that there is a chance to be "gay with god."

Thanks.

[Adnan Ahmed MD]

While I was brought up with a different religion (Islam)in a very different environment (Karachi, Pakistan), growing up to be gay and coming to terms with it was just as confusing and frustrating when God is a major factor in the equation. While the orthodox view is similar to Christainity and Judaism, I could relate to many of your experiences and it was very heartening to see how you overcame your barriers and are are making an effort to make a concious, well thought-out relationship with GOD. I wish you all the success in this endeavour

[Chad]

I am a Christian, and if it were not for the grace of God, I would be a homesexual right now. You said that you feel homosexuality is not a sin, but ever since I became a Christian, I have felt nothing but conviction. It only makes sense to me that homosexualty is just like any other sexual sin. I've been through a long hard struggle. It is probably not a "struggle" for you, because you just give it. I beg you to reconsider your heart. Are you really not convicted? Have you surpressed the Holy Spirit? I did for a long time. It can't be right.